Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Wedding invites

So things are coming along nicely: Wedding venue has been finalized, minister is sorted and everything is starting to take shape. With these "biggies" out the way we head into the all the little details. The first of many being wedding invites.

What a mine field! As I have only received about 2 of these in my life I was completely unprepared for the complexity involved. Apparently various parties can feel justifiable slighted should the wording not be traditionally appropriate. In my ongoing search I have come across unending variations, most of which threaten to dislodge the contents of my stomach, particularly the ones "from the parents" As well as detailed guidelines..
"In the first invitation, the name of the guest is written by hand in the space left for that purpose. The use of "marriage" and "marriage with" is now customary in preference to "marriage to." All three words are in good form, however, and any one of them may be used."
WTF!!¨Who actually has time for this kinda bollocks!!

Finally I did finally find one that brought a big smile to my face:

Dear friends
Receipt of this email proves one of three things:
1. You have not yet responded to the prior copy
2. Your mailbox has (sensibly?) rejected my previous emails
3. I have only recently come by your correct email address
If you fall under point number 3, please be sure to avoid 1 by responding.
If you are 2, get yourself gmail - unlimited space and move to point 3
while ever avoiding point 1.
If you are 1, I fear you may retain that position for similar reasons
as the current.
Pray, surprise me?
Attached the original:

CONGRATULATIONS ________________(Insert your name here)!!!!
You have been short-listed for a very extravagant affair, filled with
drama, romance and free food! It will feature first time participants
Arne von Delft and Dalene du Plessis starring as love struck, yet
moderately stressed out individuals as they strive to rid themselves
of mundane freedoms at Groenrivier Function Centre just outside the
picturesque town of Riebeek West on Saturday the 27th of September
If you have never heard of it, never been there before and are
slightly worried about its proximity to the "platteland", we have
something in common. It is about 40 minutes drive from Cape Town
heading north, I gather.
This is not the official invite, but it IS the official notice to
start booking now or spend more. (Petrol prices, sub-prime crisis,
food prices, inflation, recession, global warming, Zimbabwe, etc.) If
you know me (And really you should if you are the intended recipient),
you will realize that the official, elaborate and above all romantic
invites will in all probability reach you (too) late to respond in a
financially viable way.
If you are, however, still interested in receiving the aforementioned
official, elaborate and above all romantic invite, please be sure to
respond with:
• Your full name with correct (albeit humorous) spelling:
• The amount of people you would like to invite (with their
names if possible):
Please also indicate if they are children or childish:
NB: if you are in a steady relationship, your companion is invited. If
it is less steady, please submit proof and he/she will be considered
for entertainment value.
• Your postal address:
• Cell phone number:
• Alternative email address:
• Special dietary requirements: not that it matters - all you
can eat buffet!!!
• Beverage preferences and AA membership number:
It would also greatly help if you could indicate how likely it is that
you can attend, PLEASE? This is not an official RSVP, but I may try to
hold you to it unfairly later.
Directions, instructions, warnings and accommodation information will
follow upon your favorable (expected) response.
PS: I am sending this out as a bulk email for the following reasons:
1. Gmail allows me to track this one mail to combine all your
responses neatly as one.
2. It allows everyone to see who everyone else is that I invited. As
my very best friends, yes, I mean YOU_______________(insert name here)
personally, I would very much appreciate suggestions or reprimands
regarding people I might have forgotten. (Preferably not about those
included for…uhm…obvious reasons.)
I do not have everyone's email addresses and not everybody is computer
literate and I have invited all my direct family, but PLEASE: supply
me with "missing persons info" - chances are I am looking for their
contact details!
Dalene has her fair share of invites, so if your name does not appear,
do not despair. By the way…if your name does not appear, HOW did you
come by this invite?
3. I am lazy.
4. In my defense - I really am quite busy. That official, elaborate
and above all romantic invite is requiring more genuine thought and
reflection than anticipated.
5. The aforementioned official, elaborate and above all romantic
invite will seek to make amends by including your correctly spelled
(albeit humorous) name and maybe even a little personal note…so be
patient and bear with me!
Warmest most fuzzy-around-the-heart regards!
The couple
If you do not understand, please reply so that I might translate.
If you do not know who the heck we are, please reply ASAP. If you are
interested and interesting I might consider you…for my jokebin.
If you have already kindly declined, please do not take offense. We
just wanted to affirm that you were officially (albeit semi-formally)
invited, as you are most special and dear to us, __________(insert
name here).

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Just say no.

I'm the first too admit that my approach to weddings is probably a little more on the practical side than the romantic. I recently heard a story about a bride who had swans sashaying about during her ceremony. While she obviously thought this was fantastically romantic. All I could think about were the logistics of great big squawking beasts charging around attacking the guests, trying to make the great escape to freedom while pooing all over everything. I can however still appreciate the over all vision here - however shortsighted it may have been.

There are some things though that should quite simply just not be supported. At some point those who love you need to step in and save you from yourself. Particularly the groom - guys no matter what she tries to tell you, this is your day too and you are allowed to say NO. The point of the wedding should not be to completely emasculate the husband to be - personally I want to married to a Man, one who still has his nads.

The following should never have been allowed to happen:

Sure this cute - IF YOU'RE 5!!! Kevin where are your balls?

Please note the matching themed cake - the chipmunk can't even bear to watch.


Did Micky & Minny sign the registry too? *GAG*

And if the horror is not quite complete my personal favorites:

No matter the price, you just can't buy taste.

Friday, August 8, 2008


For years our call center was primary inhabited by foreigners.
While this made for interesting culture exchange and all that
I've always felt it missed something. The recent intakes including
loads of south africans reminded what it was.

Aweh :
Pronounced: Ah-where.
This is used as a greeting all over the Coloured communities. 'Aweh jy, hoesit ?'

Bra :
Pronounced: Brah
This word has no reference to the English word which pertains to an undergarment.The word Bra refers to a close friend or acquaintance.It's a term of endearment. 'Yah I know him, he's a Bra of mine'

Duidelik :
Pronounced 'day der lik'
This word is an adjective, describing an ideal state of mind, a cool article, perfect, or an ideal situation.'How are you doing. Naai duidelik my bru.'

Kwaai :
This word refers to something that is really awesome, cool or nice. 'Did you see that kwaai movie?'

Minute / Minutes :
Pronounced : Min- eee-ter'
This is one of the few words that can be pronounced in English or Afrikaans.Meaning, Hold up! A General reference to time. It can also take on a threatening tone. As in I'm watching you.'Minute my Broe, the train leaves at seven''Minute, jy kan nog nooit al my daait op vriet nie'

Mos :This word is typically used as a filler in a sentence. 'you are mos going to the shop' 'you can mos pick it up'It has no real meaning but is used to colloquialise a sentence.

Nuh :
Pronounced: Ner The use of the word Nuh is complex and multi dimensional. It can be used to 1. Find out if the listener is following your conversation. 'You turn left nuh, then you turn right nuh, continue straight nuh'To indicate that your listening to a story. 'Nuh, and then what happened?'

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Am I insane?

Some days truely make me question my powers of communication.

I just had the following conversation with a travel agent:

TA: I was wondering what your admin fee is on the ticket so I can do a refund.
Minice: The fee is dependant on the fare paid. What are the ticket numbers so I can check.
TA: Ticket numbers are xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Minice: Both the fares are refundable at no additional cost.
TA: So would I charge a admin fee or not?
Minice: No we don't have any additional admin fees.
TA: So I would refund the full ticket with no extra costs?
Minice: Yes, you can refund with no additional costs.

For gods sake lady! How much more clearly can I say it?!??
Its for freeeeeeee! Don't question it, just do it!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

no free lunch

When working in a call center a sense of humor is mandatory. This might not seem evident when you call us but that's mainly because we're laughing at you, not with you.

One of my pet peeves is the "voluntary upgraders". These are those who believe due to their "special" circumstance that they are elligible for a free upgrade to business class. There seems to be this sense that as an airline we are obliged to give these upgrades.

Let me clear this one up here and now: the only time an airline will ever offer and upgrade is when we f*cked up, badly, and its a last ditch effort to save our asses.

So the ""voluntary upgraders" call and assault us with a variety of reasons why we must upgrade them. My personal favourites include:
But my children are in economy (WTF, they're your children you should suffer along with everyone else.)
My wife has her period (Yes really, men actual say this)
I have fear of flying (Shame. So its less like flying in Business? Are we forcing you to fly?)
I broke my leg (We get this a lot as we in a Ski-ing destination. Did we break you leg? Did we send your clumsy ass ski-ing and not buy insurance?)
I have DVT (This has become widely poplar for every favour under the sun. Hello people the cabin pressure is really the same in all cabins! They ride this one until informed that passengers with medical conditions require clearance and may be denied boarding at which point they miraculously recover.)
I have back problems (These are my personal favourites. We do not cause your back problem. The size of the seat in Economy has not changed since you reserved it. If you are in so much pain that you can not fly why did you book a ticket? )

When declined the upgraders the next question, accompained by much sighing and pouting, is Well what about an emergency exit seat? People seem to completely overlook the emergency part of the emergency exit row.

Imagine for second if an emergency actually occurred: the lights flicker, turbulance rocks the plane, smoke begins to fill the cabin, the aircraft slams into the runway screeching to a halt.
Now imagine if we'd seated the guy with the broken leg complete with crutches, the lady with the twins who needed space for her baby car seat (in her dreams) and the elderly gentleman with the cronic back pain in this row. Passengers race down the aisle toward to emergency exit in a desperate bid to escape. Broken leg guy struggles out of seats flingling his cruches about in an obscene dance in a vain attempt to reach the exit clubbing various passengers in the progress. Old guy is unable to get up at all and it blocking exit and mum is manhandling the twins while trying to avoid the flying crutches and get to the door. See any of these 3 candidates ablely assisting the other passengers to exit the aircraft? See any of them even managing to open the door?

So no - under no circumstance will we upgrade you to business class - unless it is to our benefit.
And the emergency exit rows are actually really important in case of emergency and are not there for the comfort and convienience of the fat, tall, broken, paining or overloaded passengers.

venue challenges

Balancing recovery, life and wedding planning is a challenge.

The most beautiful thing to happen since my big life restart was my angel of a boyfriend proposing to me. For about a month we managed to simply bask in newly engaged bliss. Then the inevitable questions starting coming - when, where, how big? And so the planning began.

As I recently received a lengthy lecture on having challenges and not problems from the afore mentioned angel I will refrain from referring to the venue "issue" as problem. We have a venue challenge. I'm approaching the search from an emotional angle - will we be comfortable, will we be happy, will our friends be at ease. He's producing a show - will it look beautiful, will it photograph well. And of course it still needs to be in budget. So our venue challenge in a nut shell: we're looking for a intimate all in one venue, with stunning views, photographic backdrops, casual outdoor dining, honeymoon suit, delightful staff, wheelchair access and preferably a jacuzzi....all within a not exactly large budget.

So I know what you're thinking: Girl lives in Cape Town - How hard can it be, most beautiful city in world? I was fooled too. It's not the lack of venues, its the nownow, ja well no maybe attitude to rates inquiries thats driving me nuts. On most days I adore the laid back Cape Town vibe, it's one of the many reasons I've stayed while all my friends have abandoned ship for the lures London, but not when I'm asking for a f*ing quote!

As I write this I hear the little voice in my head going "life on life's terms" "everything for a reason" "accept the things you can not change" and I have to smile and be grateful that I'm planning this now and not a year ago. I do not control the universe. A fact a frequently like to forget and then find myself in a rage when the universe is not cooperating with my plans. So fuck those who don't reply! (I mean let it go *grins* ) They're not meant for us and the perfect match to our challenge is out there. All in good time we'll find it.