Wedding invites

So things are coming along nicely: Wedding venue has been finalized, minister is sorted and everything is starting to take shape. With these "biggies" out the way we head into the all the little details. The first of many being wedding invites.

What a mine field! As I have only received about 2 of these in my life I was completely unprepared for the complexity involved. Apparently various parties can feel justifiable slighted should the wording not be traditionally appropriate. In my ongoing search I have come across unending variations, most of which threaten to dislodge the contents of my stomach, particularly the ones "from the parents" As well as detailed guidelines..
"In the first invitation, the name of the guest is written by hand in the space left for that purpose. The use of "marriage" and "marriage with" is now customary in preference to "marriage to." All three words are in good form, however, and any one of them may be used."
WTF!!¨Who actually has time for this kinda bollocks!!

Finally I did finally find one that brought a big smile to my face:


Dear friends
Receipt of this email proves one of three things:
1. You have not yet responded to the prior copy
2. Your mailbox has (sensibly?) rejected my previous emails
3. I have only recently come by your correct email address
If you fall under point number 3, please be sure to avoid 1 by responding.
If you are 2, get yourself gmail - unlimited space and move to point 3
while ever avoiding point 1.
If you are 1, I fear you may retain that position for similar reasons
as the current.
Pray, surprise me?
Attached the original:

CONGRATULATIONS ________________(Insert your name here)!!!!
You have been short-listed for a very extravagant affair, filled with
drama, romance and free food! It will feature first time participants
Arne von Delft and Dalene du Plessis starring as love struck, yet
moderately stressed out individuals as they strive to rid themselves
of mundane freedoms at Groenrivier Function Centre just outside the
picturesque town of Riebeek West on Saturday the 27th of September
2008.
If you have never heard of it, never been there before and are
slightly worried about its proximity to the "platteland", we have
something in common. It is about 40 minutes drive from Cape Town
heading north, I gather.
This is not the official invite, but it IS the official notice to
start booking now or spend more. (Petrol prices, sub-prime crisis,
food prices, inflation, recession, global warming, Zimbabwe, etc.) If
you know me (And really you should if you are the intended recipient),
you will realize that the official, elaborate and above all romantic
invites will in all probability reach you (too) late to respond in a
financially viable way.
If you are, however, still interested in receiving the aforementioned
official, elaborate and above all romantic invite, please be sure to
respond with:
• Your full name with correct (albeit humorous) spelling:
• The amount of people you would like to invite (with their
names if possible):
Please also indicate if they are children or childish:
NB: if you are in a steady relationship, your companion is invited. If
it is less steady, please submit proof and he/she will be considered
for entertainment value.
• Your postal address:
• Cell phone number:
• Alternative email address:
• Special dietary requirements: not that it matters - all you
can eat buffet!!!
• Beverage preferences and AA membership number:
It would also greatly help if you could indicate how likely it is that
you can attend, PLEASE? This is not an official RSVP, but I may try to
hold you to it unfairly later.
Directions, instructions, warnings and accommodation information will
follow upon your favorable (expected) response.
PS: I am sending this out as a bulk email for the following reasons:
1. Gmail allows me to track this one mail to combine all your
responses neatly as one.
2. It allows everyone to see who everyone else is that I invited. As
my very best friends, yes, I mean YOU_______________(insert name here)
personally, I would very much appreciate suggestions or reprimands
regarding people I might have forgotten. (Preferably not about those
included for…uhm…obvious reasons.)
I do not have everyone's email addresses and not everybody is computer
literate and I have invited all my direct family, but PLEASE: supply
me with "missing persons info" - chances are I am looking for their
contact details!
Dalene has her fair share of invites, so if your name does not appear,
do not despair. By the way…if your name does not appear, HOW did you
come by this invite?
3. I am lazy.
4. In my defense - I really am quite busy. That official, elaborate
and above all romantic invite is requiring more genuine thought and
reflection than anticipated.
5. The aforementioned official, elaborate and above all romantic
invite will seek to make amends by including your correctly spelled
(albeit humorous) name and maybe even a little personal note…so be
patient and bear with me!
Warmest most fuzzy-around-the-heart regards!
The couple
Disclaimer:
If you do not understand, please reply so that I might translate.
If you do not know who the heck we are, please reply ASAP. If you are
interested and interesting I might consider you…for my jokebin.
If you have already kindly declined, please do not take offense. We
just wanted to affirm that you were officially (albeit semi-formally)
invited, as you are most special and dear to us, __________(insert
name here).